This story originally appeared on the Gents Cafe Newsletter. You can subscribe here.
I am the fortunate son of two loving parents and the recipient of an exceptional childhood – exemplary in every way. Our family possesses no considerable fortune, no worldly acclaim, regal titles, appreciable inheritance, or grand estate: and, none of this ever proved to be problematic, or even desirable, until I found myself in a unique and exciting position in my early twenties, serving as an appointed staffer in a gubernatorial administration.
Within the administration, I was surrounded by seasoned professionals and intellectuals – business leaders, newspaper editors, doctors, legislators, and attorneys. Our intern’s father was the State Supreme Court’s Chief Justice and his uncle was a United States Senator. As a young person of little means and middle-class beginnings, I was not in my element.
Picture yourself conversing with the U.S. Ambassador to Russia, flanked by a billionaire founder of a chemical manufacturing company on your left and a governor on your right. If your background is similar to my own you might, as I often did, experience imposter syndrome in moments like these. How do you hold your own in conversation? What do you bring to the equation?
By the time I was twenty-six years of age, I had been in this position many times – having seen and met multiple U.S. Presidents, helping play host to foreign dignitaries, and occasionally conversing with billionaire moguls in tech, automobiles, and more. I’d attended state dinners, philanthropic fundraisers, and events paying tribute to sports legends and those in the arts. I know firsthand how daunting it can be to find oneself surrounded by those with exorbitant wealth and influence. For this reason, I wanted to share with others the steps I take to feel better prepared and more comfortable in these moments in hopes that they might help.
1. Start by Considering your Physical Presence: Take a few seconds to check your posture, ensure your attire is not in a disheveled state, and relax your shoulders or any area that may be tense or unintentionally sending off-putting nonverbal cues. Dr. Albert Mehrabian conducted multiple studies throughout the 1960s that have demonstrated the critical importance of non-verbal communication when expressing one’s feelings or attitudes, a finding that has been added to and compounded upon by additional research throughout the decades. Remember, it is called body language for a reason.
2. Stay Apprised of Current Events: An awareness of domestic and global affairs is critical. A historical knowledge of how present circumstances came to be is even better. Far too many people today are content to live on their hands and knees with their heads buried in the sand. This, in turn, leaves them speaking out of their only remaining orifice betwixt cheeks…don’t be one of those people.
3. Never Parrot: Always strive to possess an original thought on a subject and maintain the confidence to express and defend it. It is socially acceptable to agree and/or disagree with people (despite current trends regarding the latter); however, it is always frowned upon to mimic the thoughts and beliefs of others without genuine and thoughtful reflection.
4. Never Feign Knowledge/Expertise: Following tip number three, it is okay to possess blind spots and be unfamiliar with certain topics. It is not okay to feign familiarity with topics you know nothing about. Lying about your familiarity with something is akin to admitting ignorance and deceitful character. Instead, use this as an opportunity to ask thoughtful and thought-provoking questions. You will probably learn something valuable.
5. Practice Engaged Listening: These are the most opportune moments to listen to and learn from persons in interesting and influential positions. Avoid conversational narcissism and practice listening with intent – to question, understand, learn, and only then respond. This recommendation is applicable regardless of who you converse with. People leave conversations happier when they feel the other party took a genuine interest in what they had to say.
6. Take Pride in your Hobbies: People often connect with the passions of others. Charisma and charm are found in the engaging intonation of voiced interests and hobbies. I love sailing, scuba diving, and boxing, but if your interests are in cooking, video games, tennis, or anything else for that matter, I will take a keen liking if you share these subjects enthusiastically.
7. Be an Avid Reader: Throughout history, no device has enabled people to expand intellectually more so than books. One could argue the internet has usurped books in this regard, but I am not entirely convinced of this yet. I would argue the internet has in many ways made us prone to lazily ingesting false information, manipulated snippets, and half-truths without ever applying critical thought or diligence in research. In this day and age, it speaks volumes if you possess the patience, time, and interest in the intellectual stimulation of reading.
8. Be an Aesthete and Connoisseur (but not vain nor pretentious): This will be no Herculean task for the readers of Gents Cafe, but it can be of tremendous value to stay current on the Arts and Style sections of your preferred publications.
9. Familiarize yourself with the Basic Principals of Etiquette: There are countless experts in the field of etiquette one can turn to, but some of the oldest and most trustworthy include the fine people at the Emily Post Institute and Debrett’s. Both organizations have published comprehensive guides on traditional and modern etiquette considerations that are worth reading.
10. Possess Ambitious Plans: Time won’t stop and neither should your ambitions. This is not an advocacy of toxic “hustle culture” nor an endorsement of greed, but it is an acknowledgment that our work in this world will never cease. Ambitious plans attract ambitious people. If you find yourself in the company of such people it is fine to demonstrate your aspirations (avoid hubris, though). These people may well become teachers, mentors, or allies along the way.
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