This story originally appeared on the Gents Cafe Newsletter. You can subscribe here.
Imagine you are sitting at a café and desperately want to get the phone number of the most beautiful person who just sat down next to you. Running through the countless possible ways to do this, you muster up the courage, put yourself on the line, exchange numbers and arrange a dinner date. As doubts and anxiety dwindle, you excitedly prepare for your date.
This is probably an unlikely scenario for many people in the dating world nowadays, especially for those accustomed to the plethora of convenient and free dating apps, a reality shielded behind a screen where little effort is required to match and virtually meet someone. I myself have met my long-term partner on an app, so I’m by no means against them; I have accepted that they are the new norm in our digital age. However, this doesn’t mean we cannot use the past and traditional practices and let them guide us to our new era.
I have personally experienced both dating extremes, from the “old fashioned” way, riddled with fear and anxiety, to lounging blissfully in my house swiping during a global pandemic. Finding myself a lot less satisfied, I rationalized that the virtual connections I was making felt very superficial. The texting dialogue following a match felt repetitive and uninteresting. In contrast, when meeting someone in person, you are forced to use the environment around you to spark conversation. Free rein is granted to use creative, quirky pickup lines rather than a monotonous, “hey:)” text. Furthermore, if things go sideways in person, you cannot as easily hide behind a screen: you must embrace that embarrassment and make peace with it, refining your character in the process.
The honest effort required to make a lasting impression perhaps provides the needed incentive to foster and nurture a relationship because your next match isn’t necessarily one swipe away. Due to the oversaturation and ease of these dating apps, quality, meaningful relationships may be hard to come by since genuine incentive and effort are trumped with mindless swiping. Unfortunately, these apps will try to profit off your feelings by tempting you with expensive perks to boost your ego and standing. The sacredness and purity that comes from dating the traditional way is slowly deteriorating, and it’s for this reason our view on online dating has to change.
The modern gentleman has to be resourceful and clever in navigating our technology-driven world. As he seeks out his dream partner, he has to ascertain that apps shouldn’t be used as a numbers game. Rather, they should be viewed as a new, modern tool to foster genuine and high-quality relationships. Therefore, it is his obligation to use dating apps responsibly. Treating every virtual match with the same respect you’d tribute to someone met in a coffee shop not only makes you a better person, but improves the likelihood of making lasting, genuine connections. Boundaries need and should be set while on these apps: doing so will hopefully allow the user to recognize and strive to focus on what they have, not on what they could have if they swipe a little longer.
Human connection has always been an important skill to learn and master. Putting ourselves out there may be scary and intense in the moment, but is totally worth it upon reflection. The initial fear makes for a great reward. We need to get back to the roots as we navigate the online dating world, and be careful not to give in to the easy nature that these apps present. Charisma, charm, and genuine interest know no virtual boundaries, and we should use them fruitfully as we navigate through our ever-evolving technological world.
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