This story originally appeared on the Gents Cafe Newsletter. You can subscribe here.
We all chase pleasure – the quick, the easy, the forgettable. And most of us have a vision as to the kind of man we want to be. But how often do the two align? How often do we strike that fine balance between what feels good now and what means something later?
This is the battle of thick vs. thin desires.
I act in ways that frustrate me. Impulse buys. Game day snacks. Ignoring the writing I should do. Scrolling through Chelsea transfer news. Coffee reels. Running clips. Guitar shreds. These dopamine-inducing pleasures know no bounds. But do they hold meaning? Not so much.
Watching coffee reels of people making coffee isn’t the same as making one. Neither is watching a dude from Spain absolutely nail a Hotel California instrumental a worthy substitute for sitting my ass down and learning it. As for the impulse buys, snacks, scrolls, et al., well, it’s well documented how these tend to be rather poor plasters for deeper wounds.
My old gym’s app used to remind me after every workout, “Nobody ever regretted a workout.” Even though I’ve cancelled my membership, it’s stuck with me. Maybe because workouts tend to align with thick desires – better health, more mobility, sticking around for those I love.
Similarly, when I go on a run, there’s nowhere else I can physically be. I’m dialled in to the breath and the body. When I’m deep into a writing sesh, my mind is sharpening. I can’t multitask and be tempted by impulsive desires. And when I’m with friends and family, I can act in a way that improves my relationships and furthers my connection with my community.
Who could possibly regret that?
This is how I should always act. But it’s hard to navigate the world. To walk the line confidently, and be on the pulse of what’s good and bad. Throw in all the roles one has to play – friend, partner, gym-goer, worker, creative, etc. – and the odds of success suddenly diminish. I don’t believe the future’s promised, so I feel more compelled to act impulsively based on momentary emotions. But I still want to feel a sense of pride when I go to sleep.
The defining questions are, who do I want to be, how do I want to be remembered, and how many of the things I do take me closer or further away from that? The truth is, I don’t want to take count, but I know the score.
I think we all have thick and thin desires. That we’re all having these internal discussions and battles every day – and that the two, ultimately, probably both need to exist in one’s life. It’s not about resisting every urge (after all, transfer news waits for no man), but noticing when the urge hijacks the wider story we’re trying to write, and gently choosing a better plot line.
If this is an ideal that I’m destined to forever fall short of, then the least I can do is try. But, I’m somewhat comforted in my failure by something that Walt Whitman once wrote, and perhaps it may bring equal comfort to the reader: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes).”
